Let’s talk about boundaries (yes, really)
I want to talk about boundaries today, and I already know how that lands for most people.
Some of you just tensed up a little. Ugh, boundaries. That sounds like a hard conversation.
Others are thinking, I’m already good at this. I don’t need it.
Both reactions are fair — and both are worth a second look. So let’s actually find out, together.
Here’s my short list of reasons I love — love, love, love — practicing boundaries, especially practicing our no. Because here’s the thing about no: it can pave the way to your yes. They’re two sides of the same coin. When you say no to something, you’re very often saying yes to something else, something truer, something you need more. That’s not a rejection. That’s a gift, if you’re willing to look at it that way.
Three reasons boundaries are worth practicing
- Clear boundaries make you a happier, more resourced version of yourself.
When you’re honest about what you don’t need and what you truly want, you show up less resentful, less tense, more you. You feel it in your body — less of that clenched, held-together feeling, more ease. That alone would be reason enough. You end up nicer to the people around you, nicer to yourself, and more present in the moments that matter.
- It makes you a brave, safe example for the people you love.
When you honor your own boundaries — kindly, without turning into a “selfish monster” as you feared — you demonstrate that boundaries can be handled with care. That gives the people around you, including the very partner you might be saying no to, permission to do the same with you. You become a safe person to be honest with, because they’ve watched you do it first. That’s leadership, even if “leader” isn’t a word you’d use for yourself. It’s also true intimacy – being vulnerable and open.
- It’s an act of deep trust and respect for your partner.
When you honor your own no — and invite your partner into your real yes — you’re trusting them to handle it. You’re not coddling them, and you’re not guessing at their needs while quietly starving your own. That kind of guessing-and-sacrificing is what we do for our babies. It’s not what a grown, adult partnership requires. Hearing a no can feel uncomfortable. So can offering your yes and risking that they say no back. Practicing boundaries means trusting each other to sit with that discomfort — for the sake of something more honest and more alive between you.
To be clear: none of this means everyone gets exactly what they want, all the time. Relationships are more complicated than that. But when you’re both willing to say what you truly feel — what you want, what you don’t, in this particular moment — you start navigating from reality instead of assumption. And that changes everything.
Practice 1: Try the thank-you
If you take away only one thing from this, let it be this: the next time your partner tells you no, say thank you.
“Thank you for telling me.” “Thank you for your honesty.” “Thanks for being real.” Or just — “Thank you.”
Try it out loud. If you want to make it playful, ask for something low-stakes and a little outrageous — something you already know they’ll say no to. (“Want to sneak into the neighbor’s yard and skinny dip tonight?”) Watch them say no. Answer with thank you. Notice what happens in your body.
I first learned this practice in a group workshop. Everyone wrote down five things they’d be open to — a hand-hold, a kiss on the cheek, a hug — and five hard no’s, ranging from mild to wild. Then we went around the room, showed each other our lists, and asked for something from someone else’s no list. “Can I spank you right now?” “No.” “Thank you.” Next person.
It was liberating. It was fun. Everyone in that room asked the facilitators for more time to keep going. There’s something about hearing a clean no and responding with genuine gratitude, instead of flinching or apologizing, that rewires how safe boundaries feel — on both sides.
Once the silly version feels easy, you can move a little closer to real terrain. Try something like, “Should we get intimate tonight?” when you already suspect your partner’s too worn out to say yes. Ask anyway, expecting the no. Say thank you. That’s the muscle you’re building — the ability to ask for what you want and receive an honest answer without it costing dearly for either of you.
One important caveat: don’t start with the thing you two are already stuck on — the recurring ask that always seems to end in the same no. That pattern has too much history attached to practice on safely at first. Start with lower-stakes ground. Build the muscle. Save the harder conversations for once “thank you” feels natural.
Practice 2: Find the yes underneath the no
Every no is protecting a yes. So get curious about what that yes actually is.
Take the example above — you suggest intimacy, your partner says no because they’re exhausted. What are they really saying yes to? Maybe more rest, so they have the energy to be with you tomorrow. Maybe they’re prioritizing their own wellbeing so they can show up as a kinder partner. Maybe what they actually want is something smaller and closer — watching an episode of your show together, cuddling, a quieter kind of connection tonight.
None of those are rejections of you. They’re redirections toward something real. You might even say it out loud: “I am excited for that with you — these late, exhausted hours just don’t work for me. But I do want that time with you. Can we find it somewhere else?” There’s a yes in there. It might not be tonight, and it might not look the way you first imagined, but it’s there.
This reframe matters because boundaries can start to feel like a pattern of just… no, no, no. The person saying no starts to feel guilty. The person hearing it starts to feel rejected. But when you both lean into what is this no making room for, the whole dynamic shifts. You stop keeping score of the no’s and start noticing what you’re building together instead.
If you genuinely don’t know what you want
Some people get stuck here — not because they’re avoiding a boundary, but because they honestly don’t know their own yes or no yet. If that’s you, start practicing somewhere outside the bedroom.
Food is a great training ground for many people. “I don’t know what I want to eat” is a familiar feeling for a lot of us — but it usually resolves through process of elimination. Texas Roadhouse? No, not really. Subway? No. The seafood place? …Actually, yeah. That works.
A completely open question — “What do you want?” — can feel like being handed a blank page. It’s too open. What actually helps is a little structure: some options to say no to, so you can find your way to a yes. That’s typically true for food, and for intimacy too. Give yourself (or each other) some concrete options to react to, rather than trying to answer from a blank slate.
Where to go from here
This is just a starting point. There’s a lot more to explore — deeper practices, playful ones, ways to navigate the boundaries that are genuinely hard, not just the practice-round ones. But if you try nothing else this week, try the thank-you. Ask for something low-stakes that you know is a no, and just say thank you. Notice what shifts.
If this resonated, this is exactly the kind of work we go deeper on inside Rekindled Circle, my membership for couples 50+ who are ready to move from feeling like roommates to feeling like lovers again. And if you’d rather work through this one-on-one — for yourself or with your partner — I offer private coaching too. Reach out for a free initial call and let’s talk about what would help most. tinyurl.com/connectwithjulia