If you’re having trouble with orgasms, no matter what anatomy you have, there are four basic keys – or areas to improve – for more pleasure and much better orgasms.
1. How present and open to receiving pleasure in your body are you?
This is a big area where people often get hung up in our sexual expression. Are you exhausted? Stressed about work or kids? Worried about what your body looks like / your attractiveness? Worried about how you’re performing? Do you have a hard time letting yourself be free to receive pleasure? Do you feel disconnected from your body.
All of those things make it really hard to get turned on and relaxed enough for those big Os, and can even take most or all of the pleasure out of your sexual experiences.
2. How mentally aroused are you?
Yes, you want to be present with your partner and with your body, but bring that erotic energy, bring that fantasy world into the mix! Remember that your turned-on brain isn’t the same as your having-coffee-with-the-PTA brain. Ideally you’re engaging in erotic activities, engaging in erotic talk or visuals, and/or fantasizing in ways that get you in that zone.
3. How stimulated is your body? Are you hitting the right spots, in the right way, at the right time?
This is a big one, especially if you have a clitoris. But everyone can benefit from stimulating touch that is not just on their genitals. Everyone has their own patterns of speed, pressure, where they touch and with what that takes them over the edge. What feels good in the beginning stage of arousal often isn’t what’s needed in the later stage of arousal. Staying in tune to yourself, tuning into your partner, having each other “show and tell” can be really helpful for this.
4. How much pressure-free time do you have to allow an orgasm to happen- or to just fully enjoy the experience?
If you’re someone who struggles with orgasm in any way, whether it’s too soon, it takes too long, or you just can’t do it with a partner, then you probably feel a lot of pressure, and maybe some anxiety, around this. Maybe you’ve faked it before, or even avoided sex because you don’t want to “mess this up.” That’s so understandable- no judgment here.
But trust me- pressure is the nemesis of pleasure. You can’t force yourself to orgasm. You can only *allow* yourself to orgasm, using the other 3 elements listed above, and giving yourself time and permission to enjoy, without the pressure to make it a certain way.
Which of these do you struggle with the most?