Looking to revitalize your intimate life or address an intimacy concern with your partner, but you’re not sure how to best approach the topic? If you’re feeling nervous or unsure, read on.
Many people reach out to me wanting to improve things with their partner, but telling their partner they want to talk to a professional sexologist feels daunting. Lots of people have never even heard of a sexologist, and sometimes starting any type of conversation about your sex life can feel like navigating a jungle, waiting for dangerous beasts to jump out and attack you.
But it doesn’t have to be scary! Despite the lingering stigma and myths surrounding sex and seeking help, you can break the silence, and I’m here to help.
It’s actually normal for great sex to require effort and communication, but we get a lot of messages from the media that mind-blowing sex just happens effortlessly. If nothing else, a fantastic intimate life surely happens “when there’s true love,” “if he’s/she’s ‘good’ in bed,” (whatever that means) “if he lasts a long time,” “when she’s really hot,” and so on. The bad news is that those are myths. The good new is, you can make your love life feel like magic with the right kind of communication and support.
With all those myths and misconceptions, though, it’s understandable that your partner might feel defensive, or even internalize your desire to discuss sex as a personal failing.
So how can you broach the subject of spicing things up through working with a sexologist, without hitting big snags? Let’s explore some DOs and DON’Ts. You don’t need to aim for a perfectly scripted conversation. Ensure that you steer very clear of actions in my “Don’t” examples, and you’re 800x less likely** to end up divorced or imprisoned in a foreign country.
**This is not an actual statistic, please don’t sue me! But DO use some silly humor in your talks if it feels good to you- it can be a great way to break the ice.
Do: Choose the Right Moment (but don’t wait for perfect)
Select a time when both of you are feeling relaxed and comfortable, in a private setting. Waiting for a mythical “perfect” moment only delays important conversations. Avoid discussing this during arguments, intimate moments, significant events, or while intoxicated.
Don’t: Yell across the yard in front of your in-laws at your child’s birthday party about how long it’s been since you got any.
Do: Start with Permission (& schedule another time if now doesn’t work)
Initiate the conversation by asking for permission. Say something like, “I’d like to talk about our relationship/love life/sex life. Is now a good time?” If your partner declines or seems nervous, respect their feelings and ask to schedule another time to discuss it together.
Don’t: Surprise your partner with a calendar invite and attached meeting agenda, accidentally cc’ing your boss.
Do: Share Feelings Honestly (brutality not welcome)
Express your feelings openly and kindly. If you’re feeling nervous, acknowledge it. For example, you could say, “I’m not used to talking about this, but I want to try because our relationship is important to me.”
Clearly communicate what you want and hope for in your relationship, as much as possible. Sometimes it’s hard to name what we want (which is another reason to seek support), so do the best you can. For instance, you might say something like, “I want to feel more connected sexually with you,” or “I hope we can make discussing sex less stressful.”
If there is a specific problem or concern you want to discuss, make sure it’s clear that neither of you is “the problem;” rather, you are two people with a problem to solve together.
It might sound like, “You know I have a hard time with climax sometimes. I want to be able to get there more easily, and I want to work on it together.”
Or maybe it’s something like, “I know it’s really hard for us to find time to be intimate together, with our crazy schedules and the kids and everything else. I want to find more time for us, without it feeling like either one of us is pressuring the other or ignoring the other.”
Don’t: Print out your spreadsheet of complaints, outlining why your partner is falling short in comparison to a romance novel character / a porn star / your mythical memories of your ex
Do: Acknowledge Feelings & Thoughts about Asking for Help
It’s helpful to bring up the way that our culture normalizes “independence” and stigmatizes wanting or needing support. Add to that the taboo nature of discussing our most private life topics, and it’s understandable that we may need a moment to consider working with a professional Sexologist.
Most people, and men to an even greater extent, have learned that you’re supposed to naturally be a great lover. So when things don’t work the way they’re “supposed to” – when bodies don’t cooperate, when what we thought was expected of us doesn’t flow, when there’s pain, and other difficult but common circumstances, then we often think there’s something wrong with us.
Keep in mind that we live in a world with a lot of negative and downright inaccurate messaging about sex and sexuality, so every one of us could benefit from taking the time to explore and relearn ourselves and our relationship in this way.
Don’t: Rant and rave about needing the sex doctor to get fixed… In fact, if you or your partner are frothing at the mouth, please seek emergency medical services immediately.
Do: Start with the Positive; Avoid Blame & Judgment
Begin the conversation by highlighting something going well in your relationship or intimacy. This sets a positive tone and emphasizes that the conversation is not about criticism.
Your positive start could be some feature of your relationship that you really appreciate. “I love how much we laugh together.” Or it could be something from your sex life that’s already great, or something that went really well the last time you were together. “I really liked how you whispered in my ear what you wanted to do later while we were out to dinner. I want us to have more moments like that.”
Don’t blame your partner – or yourself – for issues or concerns. Instead, focus on teaming up to find solutions together. If you’re not sure exactly how to take that blame-free, shame-free approach, remember that that’s why it’s worthwhile to consult with a professional.
Don’t: Drunkenly serenade your partner at 3am with a romantic rhyme you wrote them to the tune of Baby One More Time. (That’s what they mean by toxic positivity, right?)
Do: Prepare to Open the Conversation, Not Close a Deal
Approach the conversation with an open mind, aiming to start a dialogue rather than win an argument. Keep it brief and focused on one request or suggestion at a time.
Reiterate why you’re having this conversation and what you hope to achieve. Ask your partner what they might like to discuss with a Sexologist, or a hope they have for your relationship and intimacy. Whether it’s about growth, long-term passion, communication, or adding new elements to the bedroom, make sure it’s clear that this is for both of your benefit and wellbeing.
If your partner isn’t immediately on board, don’t despair. Give them time and come back to the conversation in a couple of days.
Don’t: Kidnap your partner and force them, tied and blindfolded, to sign a contract to work with a Sexologist. Staging an intervention also not recommended.
In conclusion, there are so many ways to start communicating about your intimate life. Be open and kind- that’s always a good start. As long as you don’t follow the DON’Ts listed, it won’t be worthy of nightmares!
If you want to improve your intimacy, follow my DOs and I look forward to talking with you soon!