Pressure kills desire. Pressure (usually from ourselves, internalized from outside messaging) robs us of authentic intimacy. Pressure is the arch nemesis of pleasure. Seriously.
Here are the 2 biggest ways I see that show up for my clients:
- Having sex when you don’t want to.
Doing “it” when actually
- it’s painful
- you’re way too tired
- you’re not even sure WHAT you want; you’re not feeling present in your body
- you’re not into it right now but you’re “supposed to” be doing this for your partner/the good of the relationship
*note that doing “it” when you don’t want to is different from not being in the mood and then getting in the mood when your partner touches you, and having sex because NOW you want to.*
2. Expecting all sexual experiences to be a certain way.
Telling yourself that
- Your body has to perform, whether that means getting wet, getting hard, or something else related to how it functions
- You have to “last” a certain amount of time or not “take too long.”
- It always has to end in 0rg.asm (for him/her/both)
- Your job is to please your partner (by doing x or by looking a certain way)
- You can’t do *that* because that would be too weird/demanding/awkward/etc.
- You can’t express what you want because they might think less of you.
- You’re supposed to do it *this* way; that’s “real” sex.
Everything feels better when you take the pressure off. It doesn’t have to be like this.