I’ve written before about the difference between wanting and entitlement — how owning a want doesn’t require anyone else to do anything. It’s yours before it’s ever shared.
But wanting is only half of it. The other half is what you do with it. And this is where I see so many couples get stuck.
One of the most common things couples tell me is that intimacy keeps getting pushed to the bottom of the list. Not because they don’t want it — but because life is full, energy is finite, and it never feels like quite the right moment.
So they wait for spontaneous desire to show up and carry them. And often, it doesn’t.
This is where I want to reintroduce something you’ve probably heard me mention before: responsive desire. Remember — desire doesn’t always just pop into your brain and then lead you to sexual intimacy. Many of us rarely or never just walk around feeling “ready to go.” For many people, desire wakes up in response to the right conditions and stimuli. It needs context. It needs an opening. It needs attention.
Which means creating those conditions is not unromantic. It’s crucial- and can be romantic, fun, silly, wild, seductive, or anything you’d like!
What I invite couples to try is not “scheduling sex.” It’s creating protected time. Unstructured, unpressured, screen-free, us-time. And then asking each other, genuinely: what do we feel like today? What do we have energy for? What would nourish us both right now, with where we actually are? Think of it as your private, adult play time.
Maybe that’s a long conversation and a slow massage. Maybe it’s silly and playful, and ends in laughter. Maybe it does become sexual. Maybe it doesn’t at times, and that’s okay too.
The point isn’t the destination — it’s that you showed up for each other. That you decided, deliberately, that this connection is worth protecting.
That’s not selfish. That’s one of the most generous things you can do for a relationship.
If sexual intimacy feels like too tender a subject between you and your partner, you’re not alone — and I’d love to make it easier. If you are ready to stop tiptoeing around this topic, and start enjoying each other again: less guessing, less pressure; more ease, playfulness, and pleasure, let’s talk.