Are you old enough to have heard that self pleasure would give you hairy palms? Or make you go blind? These were common things we told people about the dangers of touching their “private parts.” Ridiculous, right?
Except nowadays we’ve just replaced those myths with shinier, more clinical-sounding ones. And people are believing them even more.
Let me take two apart today. But before I do that, let me tell you a tip-of-the-iceberg reason why it matters so much to me, as your friendly neighborhood clinical sexologist. There are a million reasons why I support self-pleasure, even — or especially — when you are coupled.
The most important one is that it can be such an act of self love, if we only treat it as such. When we have a good, loving relationship with our own bodies, it makes our experiences sharing that body and sexuality with another person better — more connected and more loving.
Does it always work like that? No, but that’s because of the shame and misinformation that most of us are carrying around about sex and solo sex. So let’s get to some myth busting!
Myth #1: Masturbation is giving men ED and women broken orgasms.
I hear this constantly. Men who are convinced that their erectile difficulties are caused by masturbating too much. Women who believe that a vibrator has desensitized them, and now they can’t orgasm “normally.”
Here’s what the research actually shows: masturbation does not cause erectile dysfunction. Full stop. ED has real causes — cardiovascular health, stress, anxiety, hormonal changes, relationship dynamics, certain medications. “I touched myself” is not on that list.
(Here’s the nuance, for you all who are ready to tell me how this happened to you: Yes, disconnection and stuck patterns can contribute to erectile issues. The same rote way of getting to climax every time, without connecting with your body or even giving your mind some space to imagine and be present — yes, that can contribute to issues.)
The vibrator desensitization story is similar, and similarly not supported by evidence. Here’s something worth knowing: the majority of people with vulvas don’t orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone — they orgasm from clitoral stimulation. So when someone says they can’t orgasm “normally,” it’s worth asking where that definition of normal came from. Spoiler: probably not anatomy. Many women find it much easier to orgasm with a vibrator, and some may find it almost impossible to orgasm without one — especially if they’re experiencing reduced sensitivity from medication side effects, for example. So it’s not that self-pleasure is causing problems. What can happen is that you become very practiced at one specific kind of stimulation — which is genuinely useful information about your body, not damage to it. The solution isn’t to stop giving your body pleasure. It’s to get curious and experiment.
Now, there IS a real conversation to be had about compulsive pornography use and how it affects arousal — but that’s a different conversation for a different day.
Myth #2: Self-pleasure is what you do when you don’t have a partner. And if you have one, pleasuring yourself is like cheating.
This one is wildly frustrating, especially when I recommend self exploration as part of the path to better coupled sex.
The idea that your desire, your orgasms, your erotic inner life are a finite resource that should be rationed and directed exclusively toward your partner isn’t effective. It’s not even good math.
Sexuality isn’t a pie. Your partner doesn’t get a smaller slice because you pleasured yourself on a Wednesday afternoon. (I know, some of you are thinking about the refractory period — that window after orgasm when men can’t go again. That’s a real thing, but it’s not the dealbreaker you might think, and it’s certainly not a reason to put your own body on permanent hold.)
In fact — and I say this with years of clinical experience to back me up — people who have a healthy, active relationship with their own bodies tend to be better, more present, more communicative partners. Knowing what you want makes it infinitely easier to ask for it.
Self-pleasure isn’t the consolation prize. It’s part of the practice.
Be kind to yourselves. In every sense. It won’t ruin you, promise.